Strength
by Ennixeve
Summary: Set just before the last scene in Fractures, John thinks about what he must do.


Disclaimer: They're not mine. This is not for Profit. Please don't sue me, I just love the show.  
Rating: G  
Setting: S3  
Spoilers: Fractures  
Authors Notes: I'm still all new to this fic writing business and I need your feedback, so please review for me. As always, huge thanks to Minh, you are the best! The line "Each man gets the chance to be his own kind of hero. Your time will come, and when it does, watch out.  Chances are it'll be the last thing you ever expected…" is taken from the Premiere, no copyright infringement intended

Strength 

I know what I have to do, but will they agree? Who will come with me, on what has to be called a suicide mission? I can not - will not - ask them to risk their lives… This is not their battle, it's my fault and I have to accept the responsibility for what has happened… I have to put a stop to this madness… no-one else must die because of my weakness.

I remember something my Dad once told me, so many cycles ago: "Each man gets the chance to be his own kind of hero. Your time will come, and when it does, watch out.  Chances are it'll be the last thing you ever expected…" Sometimes I long for those days, before I came to this world of insanity, where every moral and value I hold has been tested to the limit, where my strength and courage have been tested to breaking point and beyond. I long for those days so much it hurts; there is this ache inside me. I long for my lost innocence, because that's what I was: innocent. Without the worries of the universe weighing on me… without the knowledge I now have…

I hold the fate of my world in my hands… what if I should fail? If I make just one wrong decision… what will happen then? Well Dad, I guess my time has come… and now I must be that hero, because if I can't then what hope is left?

So, I don my "Commander Crichton" cap again and begin to plan the mission to save the universe. Damn, this is so 'Buck Rogers'… I'm just an ordinary guy from North Carolina, how can I be doing this? Someone up there must really have it in for me. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, I wish there was a rule book for things like this. "Saving the Universe in 10 Easy Steps", or something… They all look to me to know what to do… as if I had any clue! This is their world, Aeryn and Crais, not mine. I don't belong here. I never did and I don't know if I ever will. I think I may have lost Aeryn for good, and the only thing that made me feel like I belonged, but that thought is just too painful… I keep it locked away and hold onto the hope that she will come back to me… I can't do a damn thing… if I lose her, then there will be nothing left for me here, and I really wont belong here at all. But I have to keep that kind of stomach churning thoughts from my mind, I have a job to do, and I cannot, must not fail.

Destroying Scorpy will be the easy part, it's destroying the wormhole data that's gonna be difficult. It's my only way home, I don't know if I will ever be able to access the data in my brain, but Scorpy, he's got enough to nearly make a wormhole… I could get home… home… my planet… the sun, the sky, the sea… family, friends. I miss DK so much… I miss having him around, understanding my quotes, and short hand language, knowing just what I am about to say, understanding the looks and the grimaces, being there, watching my back, backing me up. I miss the good times we had together, so many good times: the Christmases and the summers. I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to him; he always gave the best advice, he would know what to do… but then would he? 

This is so alien to me - to anyone on Earth - how can I possibly know how to act, what to do, when nothing in my upbringing could have possibly prepared me for this? My parents taught me well, but even they couldn't teach me any preparation to save the earth! But then maybe they did. They brought me up to be moral and ethical, to know right from wrong, they taught me to be accepting of people, whoever they may be, whatever their background is, whatever they may have done. They taught me to stand up for what is right, because as my mom used to say "All it takes for evil to conquer is that the good people do nothing." To protect those who are weaker, to stand up for those who can't fight back, to back up your friends and stick up for each other… They taught me to be a leader, to lead by example… but most of all they taught me to be true to myself and trust my heart and my mind… I guess they taught me just fine for this… yeah, they did good. If I can find the strength to do this, then I already have all the ammunition I need…  I just have to find the strength. 


End file.
